Mar 152010
 March 15, 2010

how to identify a stonerHow Do You Identify A Stoner?

As a recreational marijuana consumer starting a new job, I always have one question on my mind my first week – how many of my co-workers also consume marijuana? I came up with a list of things I look for. If you have something else to add that you think I missed, please do so in the comments! Realize that this is in no way a comprehensive list of every thing that applies to every marijuana consumer of all time.

This list might come in handy when you start a new job, move to a new area, or just like to people watch. There are many ways to identify a stoner; below are ten things that I look for:

10. Wears lots of tie dyed clothing; plays hacky sack and disc golf

Any one of these items by themselves is not enough evidence to conclude that a person is a stoner. But when you find someone doing two or three of them, chances are good that the person is a stoner. Tie dyed clothing, hacky sack, and disc golf are three of my favorite things!

9. 80% of diet is cereal and corner market burritos

Cereal is the staple of any stoner’s diet. It’s fast, tasty, and kills the cottonmouth. But every once in awhile stoners need protein, which is why God invented the corner market ‘deli’ section.

8. Asks everyone if they’re ‘cool’ or ‘down’

We have all been there before; starting a new job, or going to a new school, or just meeting someone new. After a little bit of posturing, the question eventually comes out, “So…are you ‘cool/down?’ These words equivalent to a Freemason handshake; they are the unofficial stoner membership words. If you hear these words, especially in a ‘conspiracy theory tone,’ it can only mean one thing.

7. Always has a lighter, but doesn’t smoke cigarettes or use candles

If the person always has a lighter in their pocket or vehicle, yet they don’t smoke cigarettes or own candles, chances are good the person is a stoner. Of course, they could just REALLY be into fireworks, so look for additional identifiers.

6. They think a trip to Amsterdam would be ‘killer’

Have you ever met someone that wanted to go to Amsterdam that WASN’T a stoner?? Is there any other reason to go there, other than to sample the best chronic in the world? If someone is talking positively about Amsterdam, they are almost certainly a stoner.

5. Seems to be fascinated by the number ’420′

Anytime the clock strikes 4:20 p.m., or the number 420 pops up in anyway, it really gets stoners excited. I worked at a country club once, and we had 420 guests for the Easter Brunch. Within ten seconds of the number 420 being announced, I knew that 75% of the staff was stoners, which was awesome because we had a group puff session immediately after we got off work.

4. Owns a large collection of stoner music

If you look through the person’s music collection, and there is lots of Phish, Grateful Dead, Sublime, 311, etc, then you may have identified a stoner. But be careful; posers can listen to stoner music too. My sister and her friends listen to stoner music, yet they are total rookie-posers, so this method is not 100% guaranteed. However there is a method that is 100%; if any of the previously mentioned music is on homemade cassette tapes, especially live recordings, you have identified a full blown pothead! I was in my high school English teacher’s office once, and found a huge cache of homemade Grateful Dead tapes….

3. Horrible at math but is a wiz at fractions dealing with 1/8ths, 1/4ths, 1/2s….

Do you know a person like this? They can’t add 2 + 2, or calculate the tip on a dinner bill, but if you ask them what 1/4 plus 1/8 is they all of a sudden become a mathematician? You ask them how many grams are in an ounce and they give you the answer ‘Well most people say 28 grams, but a real ounce weighs 28.375…’ If calculus were based on measuring parts of ounces, maybe more college students would major in math!

2. Lots of empty ‘Visine’ bottles around

When I was a little kid my stepdad had a cemetery of empty ‘Visine’ bottles in the glove box of his vehicle. And YES, he was one of the biggest stoners of all time…not coincidence.

1. Resin on the lighter

This is a sure fire giveaway. If there is some black ‘gunk’ on the bottom-front of the lighter, the owner of that lighter has been packing down bong/pipe bowls in true stoner fashion.

About Johnny Green

Johnny Green is a marijuana activist from Oregon. He has a Bachelor's Degree in Public Policy. Follow Johnny Green on Facebook and Twitter. Also, feel free to email any concerns.
  • Paulita Selene

    222

  • Harleynut

    It is funny and not true. 45 Years of experience, Millions of miles of Traveling both driving and flying (before sniffer machines) Never caught. You can dig it 8-) Still going strong. Best Medicine from the Earth. It is what has sustained my mind through all the stress and aggravation of life with a SMILE. It really helps me laugh at all the Stupidity of this World. 45 Years, time Flies when you Laugh 8-) End the Stoner stereotypes, Carl Sagan was my hero growing up and he was an Avid Cannabis user. Smart People use Cannabis too 8-)

    • Adolfo

      Couldn’t agree more! Weed rocks! and smart people use it, cause you know we’re smart!

  • weedman

    420 cool dude

  • Fox

    Stained or calussed finger tips…

  • JJ

    Could someone please help me, I have never smoked weed or taken any drugs for mater of fact but for some reason I have bags on top and on the bottom of my eyes and it really is horrible, Im only 14 and get called a stoner all the time. Could someone please tell me what is wrong with me or at least tell me how to get rid of these look thanks all. :) please help me this will change my life thanks :)

    • Slick Willie

      You’re 14 and get called a stoner all the time because you have bags around your eyes…? Does that actual happen man? If they think you’re a stoner might as well toke up

    • Chris

      Start smoking, and become a real stoner. That’s the only solution here, I think.