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10 Ways To Identify A Stoner

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how to identify a stonerHow Do You Identify A Stoner?

As a recreational marijuana consumer starting a new job, I always have one question on my mind my first week – how many of my co-workers also consume marijuana? I came up with a list of things I look for. If you have something else to add that you think I missed, please do so in the comments! Realize that this is in no way a comprehensive list of every thing that applies to every marijuana consumer of all time.

This list might come in handy when you start a new job, move to a new area, or just like to people watch. There are many ways to identify a stoner; below are ten things that I look for:

10. Wears lots of tie dyed clothing; plays hacky sack and disc golf

Any one of these items by themselves is not enough evidence to conclude that a person is a stoner. But when you find someone doing two or three of them, chances are good that the person is a stoner. Tie dyed clothing, hacky sack, and disc golf are three of my favorite things!

9. 80% of diet is cereal and corner market burritos

Cereal is the staple of any stoner’s diet. It’s fast, tasty, and kills the cottonmouth. But every once in awhile stoners need protein, which is why God invented the corner market ‘deli’ section.

8. Asks everyone if they’re ‘cool’ or ‘down’

We have all been there before; starting a new job, or going to a new school, or just meeting someone new. After a little bit of posturing, the question eventually comes out, “So…are you ‘cool/down?’ These words equivalent to a Freemason handshake; they are the unofficial stoner membership words. If you hear these words, especially in a ‘conspiracy theory tone,’ it can only mean one thing.

7. Always has a lighter, but doesn’t smoke cigarettes or use candles

If the person always has a lighter in their pocket or vehicle, yet they don’t smoke cigarettes or own candles, chances are good the person is a stoner. Of course, they could just REALLY be into fireworks, so look for additional identifiers.

6. They think a trip to Amsterdam would be ‘killer’

Have you ever met someone that wanted to go to Amsterdam that WASN’T a stoner?? Is there any other reason to go there, other than to sample the best chronic in the world? If someone is talking positively about Amsterdam, they are almost certainly a stoner.

5. Seems to be fascinated by the number ‘420’

Anytime the clock strikes 4:20 p.m., or the number 420 pops up in anyway, it really gets stoners excited. I worked at a country club once, and we had 420 guests for the Easter Brunch. Within ten seconds of the number 420 being announced, I knew that 75% of the staff was stoners, which was awesome because we had a group puff session immediately after we got off work.

4. Owns a large collection of stoner music

If you look through the person’s music collection, and there is lots of Phish, Grateful Dead, Sublime, 311, etc, then you may have identified a stoner. But be careful; posers can listen to stoner music too. My sister and her friends listen to stoner music, yet they are total rookie-posers, so this method is not 100% guaranteed. However there is a method that is 100%; if any of the previously mentioned music is on homemade cassette tapes, especially live recordings, you have identified a full blown pothead! I was in my high school English teacher’s office once, and found a huge cache of homemade Grateful Dead tapes….

3. Horrible at math but is a wiz at fractions dealing with 1/8ths, 1/4ths, 1/2s….

Do you know a person like this? They can’t add 2 + 2, or calculate the tip on a dinner bill, but if you ask them what 1/4 plus 1/8 is they all of a sudden become a mathematician? You ask them how many grams are in an ounce and they give you the answer ‘Well most people say 28 grams, but a real ounce weighs 28.375…’ If calculus were based on measuring parts of ounces, maybe more college students would major in math!

2. Lots of empty ‘Visine’ bottles around

When I was a little kid my stepdad had a cemetery of empty ‘Visine’ bottles in the glove box of his vehicle. And YES, he was one of the biggest stoners of all time…not coincidence.

1. Resin on the lighter

This is a sure fire giveaway. If there is some black ‘gunk’ on the bottom-front of the lighter, the owner of that lighter has been packing down bong/pipe bowls in true stoner fashion.

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82 Comments

  1. Well it was your decision but he could’ve been a good guy just cuz he deals and smokes doesn’t mean he’s bad cannabis pretty harmless.

  2. Another couple ways you can spot a stoner s how they hold them selves and if there eyes are blood shot and there pupils are dilated at the same time

  3. Call the Howard Stern show. Your question sounds like one of his calls over the yearsr instance,https://youtu.be/A5eFBq83MY4 This 13 year old with a 40 year olds big ego… Is that your boyfriend now? This one is perfect for you. Heres part 1 , A man calls in defending N.A.M.B.L.A. man boy love group. Come on guy, we live in a society. Theres certain things you just cant do. Assault people, hit and run,get people addicted to hard drugs, rape people or put drug in a drink and do it. etc. other people all over control their urges. now , go wack your doodle! oy to the vey dude. laaaaaame

  4. Dwayne David Junior Holland on

    Nobody wears tie die shirts and if you see somebody wearing it is 60 percent chance he is not a stone4

  5. Why are you dating at 12. Why is he smoking at 12.
    Either he’s lying which is a bad relationship or you don’t trust him which is a bad relationship but If you wanna find out tell him to look in your eyes and tell you he’s done smoking. He won’t be a pro at lying yet

  6. My boyfriend is 12 and he told me that he doesn’t do weed anymore but i think is is lying what should I do

  7. antiglobalJoel on

    Facial swelling can be an indicator of thyroid dysfunction. You should see your doctor and get a referral for an endocrinologist.

  8. Chilled Vibes on

    So like i dont always get whats the fuss if u a stoner or not ive been smoking for 5 years and i smoke everyday ,i love grass and think its the best ,for me i dont care i wish more people would smoke if its a stoner or not i.say let everyone smoke and let them have the secrets of the universe because its only dark energy like whats with all the secrets?So like mellow out man…. weed is chilled

  9. just get some sleep and when people say that reply with no weed is bad for you and walk away because a real stoner would never say that weed is bad only crack . ( lived with 1 )

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