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10 Ways To Identify A Stoner

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how to identify a stonerHow Do You Identify A Stoner?

As a recreational marijuana consumer starting a new job, I always have one question on my mind my first week – how many of my co-workers also consume marijuana? I came up with a list of things I look for. If you have something else to add that you think I missed, please do so in the comments! Realize that this is in no way a comprehensive list of every thing that applies to every marijuana consumer of all time.

This list might come in handy when you start a new job, move to a new area, or just like to people watch. There are many ways to identify a stoner; below are ten things that I look for:

10. Wears lots of tie dyed clothing; plays hacky sack and disc golf

Any one of these items by themselves is not enough evidence to conclude that a person is a stoner. But when you find someone doing two or three of them, chances are good that the person is a stoner. Tie dyed clothing, hacky sack, and disc golf are three of my favorite things!

9. 80% of diet is cereal and corner market burritos

Cereal is the staple of any stoner’s diet. It’s fast, tasty, and kills the cottonmouth. But every once in awhile stoners need protein, which is why God invented the corner market ‘deli’ section.

8. Asks everyone if they’re ‘cool’ or ‘down’

We have all been there before; starting a new job, or going to a new school, or just meeting someone new. After a little bit of posturing, the question eventually comes out, “So…are you ‘cool/down?’ These words equivalent to a Freemason handshake; they are the unofficial stoner membership words. If you hear these words, especially in a ‘conspiracy theory tone,’ it can only mean one thing.

7. Always has a lighter, but doesn’t smoke cigarettes or use candles

If the person always has a lighter in their pocket or vehicle, yet they don’t smoke cigarettes or own candles, chances are good the person is a stoner. Of course, they could just REALLY be into fireworks, so look for additional identifiers.

6. They think a trip to Amsterdam would be ‘killer’

Have you ever met someone that wanted to go to Amsterdam that WASN’T a stoner?? Is there any other reason to go there, other than to sample the best chronic in the world? If someone is talking positively about Amsterdam, they are almost certainly a stoner.

5. Seems to be fascinated by the number ‘420’

Anytime the clock strikes 4:20 p.m., or the number 420 pops up in anyway, it really gets stoners excited. I worked at a country club once, and we had 420 guests for the Easter Brunch. Within ten seconds of the number 420 being announced, I knew that 75% of the staff was stoners, which was awesome because we had a group puff session immediately after we got off work.

4. Owns a large collection of stoner music

If you look through the person’s music collection, and there is lots of Phish, Grateful Dead, Sublime, 311, etc, then you may have identified a stoner. But be careful; posers can listen to stoner music too. My sister and her friends listen to stoner music, yet they are total rookie-posers, so this method is not 100% guaranteed. However there is a method that is 100%; if any of the previously mentioned music is on homemade cassette tapes, especially live recordings, you have identified a full blown pothead! I was in my high school English teacher’s office once, and found a huge cache of homemade Grateful Dead tapes….

3. Horrible at math but is a wiz at fractions dealing with 1/8ths, 1/4ths, 1/2s….

Do you know a person like this? They can’t add 2 + 2, or calculate the tip on a dinner bill, but if you ask them what 1/4 plus 1/8 is they all of a sudden become a mathematician? You ask them how many grams are in an ounce and they give you the answer ‘Well most people say 28 grams, but a real ounce weighs 28.375…’ If calculus were based on measuring parts of ounces, maybe more college students would major in math!

2. Lots of empty ‘Visine’ bottles around

When I was a little kid my stepdad had a cemetery of empty ‘Visine’ bottles in the glove box of his vehicle. And YES, he was one of the biggest stoners of all time…not coincidence.

1. Resin on the lighter

This is a sure fire giveaway. If there is some black ‘gunk’ on the bottom-front of the lighter, the owner of that lighter has been packing down bong/pipe bowls in true stoner fashion.

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  • reuben

    for #10 I think you described a typical california “cheech n chong’ type of stoner. While those guys still do exist I think that there’s a lot more diversity with stoners these days. I would at least add “wears sunglasses constantly.” And hey, not all wear tie dye. personally I have never owned any. Its awful looking clothing, frankly.

    and for #4. No…no…no. Not everyone listens to the Grateful Dead.. geez. I don’t mind being called a stoner but I don’t want to be labeled as being a Dead fan. I actually went to a few shows and I don’t even understand how anyone can like their music. i think it sucks.
    I can appreciate 311 or Sublime but what about Dr. Dre “The Chronic”? what about Wu Tang Clan? or what about Bob Marley for christs sake? Bone Thugs n Harmony.. there’s so many other groups.

    dude… step out of the ’60s and into the new millennium. Its 2010 you dumb ass. Put the pipe down and wake up.

    • NoInhale

      Maybe he should add a #11: Undeserved feeling of intelligence and wisdom mostly associated with topics meant for entertainment and taken FAR too seriously. Obviously you stoners exist too…

      You bite your tongue…Johnny Green is a luminary in the field of marijuana and anything affiliated with it.

    • I don’t think you are following the article correctly. What I said was if you see Grateful Dead cassettes, you have spotted a stoner, not that if you spotted a stoner, you spotted a Deadhead.

      In no way did I say that ALL stoners listen to Grateful Dead, thats way too much of a generalization. As for the other artists you mentioned, that would fall under ‘etc’

      When we do an article on ‘Top Stoner Musicians’ I am willing to do a more comprehensive list. However, this article was about SOME WAYS, but not ALL WAYS, to spot a stoner. As for putting the pipe down, I WILL NEVER PUT THE PIPE DOWN! And neither should you! Thanks for the comment

      • taige

        dude i deffinately agree with you that very first dude doesnt know what the fuck hes talkin about im a stoner myself i smoke everday n some of the stuff u say is right n ur not saying that all us stoners do or wear etc. what u say
        to the gyuy with the first comment i will say fu if ur telling someone to drop the pipe kuz ur not a true stoner if u have to drop the pipe stoners for life man peace out

      • JackHererrrr

        yesssssss JohnnyGreen !

  • reubenufunnyguyhaha

    reuben owned this guy!!!!!!!! futuristic tokers hip hop good woman and intelligent witty truth!!!

    1 love

  • BC Budman

    Ruben you are a tard. way more posers listen to rap than listen to the Dead or Phish. If I find Wutang Clan on a person’s ipod they are more likely to be a wigger then a stoner :) But if I find anything by Phish or the Dead I know they are a stoner for sure. WHat kind of stoner tells another stoner to put down his pipe

  • dave

    Great article. Reuben apparently did not get his daily regimen.
    Keep em’ coming Johnny Green

  • Interesting article i totally agree with the comments above. Keep writing

  • Wally

    Try and find the stoner

    1. they are mad chill, more laid back and have less drama.
    2. talk about everything becuase they forget what they were talking about
    3.Some are creative
    4.they forget to do shit, because they are high
    5. they rather smoke than do what they were thinking of doing all day
    6.they are quite in class(if ur in school)
    7.they eat alot in class
    8.they skip lunch bc there eyes are too red and they forgot visine(in school)
    9.they never really listen to ur full story
    10.they forget…bc i forget what i was gunna put here
    11.oo yeah…they zone out
    12.they most of the time hate to drink
    13.they go to sleep
    14.they eat special brownies when they know they cnt smoke somewhere
    15.they buy the new iolite.
    16.they have food
    17. they say man and dude alot
    18.AWWWW SHEEEETTTT.
    19.they fantazie over new peices
    20.they only smoke heddies,mids and regs doesnt get the job done
    21.they never go on a road trip or car ride without it
    21.they take a hit on 4:20 if they catch it on time
    23. they say “wheres my lighter?” they buddy say “dont ask me i dont have it u had it” they say “no way u had the hit.” but they find it on their lap. …
    24.or there frend in the back seat is holding it, but is just to stoned to even pay attention and hand it to u…
    25.a inch away is like a billion lite years away.

    • Zack P.

      dude seriously. like that is a terrific list man. take a celebration hit!

    • JackHererrrr

      wordddd LOL

    • christine

      #’s 23 and 24 are sooo true. reminds me of my ex and his brother they were notorious lighter holders lol.

      • Elizabeth De La Torre

        lol!!

    • Elizabeth De La Torre

      ha!

  • Mike

    what? Long hair doesn’t make the list? Oh the humanity!

  • Stoned_Cold

    This is hilarious. Literally every singe one of these applies to me.

  • Heavenely Kay

    Lmmfao sitting here hitting one now laughing at all your comments;)

  • BC Budman doesnt know

    @ BC Budman. So basically what you are saying is that music made by n*****s is only made to be listened by n*****s only and that white people who like rap are wannabe n******rs? Wigger is a term used to describe somebody who is white but acts as if he/she is black. I have met many hiphop heads who dont act at all black. What about stoners who like dance music? What about a white person who likes to listen to Jimi Hendrix? Does that also make them wiggers? My brother listens to Phish and hasnt tried weed ever, seems that he is “for sure” not a stoner. You give me more of a racist vibe than a stoner vibe. Maybe u like to burn crosses along with your js. That there was a stereotype……. Food for thought.

  • fourtwozero

    Hahaha love reading shit about weed I been looking up good stoner jobs on blogs all morning haha but this sucks cause I’m all outta weed would be better reading this shit high as titties lol

  • All so true. :P I’d like to see a list on how to identify fellow acid-trippers though. Maybe I’ll write it. ^.^

  • bart wakker

    None of the list apply to me… Note that I’m from the Netherlands, probably it is more mainstream (even though usage is about half from the US, about 6% of adults only) and less associated with a particular type of person. Just like you cannot recognize the “alcohol drinker” or “coffee drinker”.

    Don’t live in the Netherlands anymore, but that’s no problem. I still have three plants in the basement almost ready to be harvested. And I’ve got still 1/3 of last years harvest :).

  • Nr_lewin

    every one of these apply to me except the visine and the math part only partially true come to think of it fractions are my worst subject lol

  • Jen(:

    Psssh, stoners aren’t good at math. Sure, I can’t do math worth shit when I’m stoned, but I’m in Calculus at 16. Stereotypes, man.

  • LOL

    LOL (imo I don’t agree with horrible at math tho, since I know some 4.0 gpa stoners lol)

    • LOL

      ancient comments lol

  • Faggot

    You’re the poser if you think you have to smoke pot to like psychedelic rock. The grateful dead are famous because they’re talented, not because you’re drawn to them when you’re high… My dad raised me on tons of hippie music and he never smoked pot.

    • Loraleigh

      You sure? Did you ever ask him?

  • TokeToke

    Bottom line, none of this is accurate or true. lls

  • Higherthanyou27

    Wow you pretty much suck. Haha sterotype much lol. Pathetic.

  • Higherthanyou27

    Your just embarrassing yourself lol. Learn to not stereo type. Everybody is different. There is no such thing as a pot head. Everybody has there own way of doing thing things. Grow up and stop posting crap about stuff you have no idea what your talking about. You would do everybody a big favor :).

    • olhippie

      I suppose ya just have to REALLY be a stoner or a ’70’s child, cos these are “spot~on”… lol (I speak from experience) :)

  • Matao

    For me its about 60 percent of these things :o

  • BelleStarr

    I was a ‘stoner’ and worked in a high profile job. I had none of the so-called characteristics of a ‘stoner’. That was before jobs started testing.

  • budzbunny

    Yeah and if you see a person that uhhh…errrm….sorry man, I forgot…

    • optimoGrape

      i completely agree with…..i mean….uuuummm…,what was i saying?

  • Glen Powell Aka/ Al Bettz

    10 no tie dyed clothes here, I do play hacky sac 9 don’t eat a lot of burritos or snack foods 8 the word is kool not cool 7 yes I have lighter and no its to light smokes with 6 while a trip to the dam would be kool I can think of many other places to visit that are higher on my list of places to go 5 420 is just a number, we get high whenever we want 4 I own no music as I’m a musician I write my own “stoner tunes”3 I’m good at math whether its fractions or calculus 2 I would never use visine, who cares if my eyes show that I am stoned? 1 no way would I pack my bong with my lighter, so no resin gets on it

    • olhippie

      actually , it’s…. kewl (lol) >.<

  • imincognito4now

    Amsterdam is no longer the destination for stoners, Colorado is. And only people who were raised in the 70s and 80s have all the old classic rock in their colecttions. Now a days its hip hop, and rap. I am old school and have a teenager that explain stoners of today as to the diffences of those of us from yesteryears. :- Nothing like feeling old. Lol

    • painkills2

      Nothing like feeling old and not knowing the current stoner language… I’m guessing “chronic” means pot, but to me (in my old age), the word “chronic” has really negative connotations. And is Colorado really the place to be? What about Seattle, Oregon (where all the expert growers migrated to), or California (where it’s less expensive)? Maybe Colorado is where all the young people go. :)

    • Jessica

      I assure you the classic kind still exist in today’s youth. My friends and I are all proclaimed stoners and we scorn the kind you mentioned. Now a days there are two kinds, the chill kind and the scumbag kind. The scumbag kind are pretty much all assholes unless you are just like them and love to brag about getting caught by their mom. These kids are absolute assholes and they exist everywhere.The clearest identifier between the two are music types. Non-douchebag stoners usually listen to older music or just more chill stuff, then there are the scumbag kind who listen to hip hop and rap. Also Colorado is cool now because it’s been legalized for recreational use recently, but personally Amsterdam has a lot more stoner infrastructure and I would absolutely love to visit someday.

    • kim

      Actually there are many young stonerz who have old classic rock I for being one of them. Just depends on the person and how immune they are to the new trend. I was one to not be afraid to only listen to what my dad was listening to. And then I found friends just like me all different tastes

  • Kelly Wittenhagen

    …..so true..especially # 3-4-5..oh shyt..all of themm……lol

  • DrMesmer

    Kind of lame sterotypes…you can actually spot a real stoner because they think they can save the world…but maybe…just maybe their right!

    • painkills2

      Stereotypes can be funny sometimes cuz they’re true. And I don’t think I can save the world, but I sure love to see people try… you gotta love California!

  • josh

    yes lol , facinated with 420 i am lol , gears of war 420 bullets left , oven clock , 420 , rollercoaster tycoon 420 guest were on this coaster, wrist watch , 420, and the best one of all. *****Flatout for playstation 2… Burnout Points 420 !!!!*****

  • Ian Mackenzie

    funny stereo types but none true, old stoner here, I made the best computer support dude had a sense of humor and always kept a sledge hammer in my office for those printers that like to jam alot

  • Karen Nisivoccia-Campbell

    Kind, compassionate, tax payer, Mom, Dad, Hardworking, Human.

  • Paulita Selene

    222

    • Mordecai

      Add the 2 to the right too the 2 on the left. I like that number

  • Harleynut

    It is funny and not true. 45 Years of experience, Millions of miles of Traveling both driving and flying (before sniffer machines) Never caught. You can dig it 8-) Still going strong. Best Medicine from the Earth. It is what has sustained my mind through all the stress and aggravation of life with a SMILE. It really helps me laugh at all the Stupidity of this World. 45 Years, time Flies when you Laugh 8-) End the Stoner stereotypes, Carl Sagan was my hero growing up and he was an Avid Cannabis user. Smart People use Cannabis too 8-)

    • Adolfo

      Couldn’t agree more! Weed rocks! and smart people use it, cause you know we’re smart!

  • weedman

    420 cool dude

  • Fox

    Stained or calussed finger tips…

  • JJ

    Could someone please help me, I have never smoked weed or taken any drugs for mater of fact but for some reason I have bags on top and on the bottom of my eyes and it really is horrible, Im only 14 and get called a stoner all the time. Could someone please tell me what is wrong with me or at least tell me how to get rid of these look thanks all. :) please help me this will change my life thanks :)

    • Slick Willie

      You’re 14 and get called a stoner all the time because you have bags around your eyes…? Does that actual happen man? If they think you’re a stoner might as well toke up

      • BOB

        Haha yeah man that happens in certain places like poor parts of the block and in the Netherlands for sure.

        Smoking pot is to commercial last times,
        i lost the funpart of It somehow…
        Still smoking

        Happy 420 from holland.

    • Chris

      Start smoking, and become a real stoner. That’s the only solution here, I think.

    • Vera

      Sounds like you got jim bruer syndrome hahahah, no the only I can think of is make-up concealer that is made for under the eyes, it hides the dark spots, but it could be a lack of a certain mineral or vitamin in your skin, lack of sleep, or yet the most common is eyes are naturally just that way. But most people I have seen with eyeslike that are so beautiful, so i say embrace who you are, love you for you. To hell with everyone else

    • George W. Kush

      Step 1 smoke weed
      Step 2 nod when they call you a stoner
      Step 3 find stoner friends this can be achieved by wearing tie dye walkin into public and blast sublime or snoop doggs smoke weed everyday song loop
      Step 5 be happy with your new true love Mary Jane

    • natalie

      just get some sleep and when people say that reply with no weed is bad for you and walk away because a real stoner would never say that weed is bad only crack . ( lived with 1 )

    • antiglobalJoel

      Facial swelling can be an indicator of thyroid dysfunction. You should see your doctor and get a referral for an endocrinologist.

  • Jmw26red

    Can anyone tell me if the terms ’35gs’ or ‘don’t wanna go dry, can I get 2’ are drug terms?? I’m not sure if my boyfriend is using. I’m not familiar with the whole drug lingo. Can someone please advise???

    • David Melies

      Yes. especially if it’s “don’t wanna go dry, can I get 2gs”

      • Jmw26red

        Turns out he was using and dealing. Where I live it’s against the law.

        • stoner_sloth

          Did you snitch?

          • Jmw26red

            Nope. Broke up with him though.

          • Natalie

            good for you

          • Bryce

            Well it was your decision but he could’ve been a good guy just cuz he deals and smokes doesn’t mean he’s bad cannabis pretty harmless.

    • Keakakona

      You a damn stalker

  • Chilled Vibes

    So like i dont always get whats the fuss if u a stoner or not ive been smoking for 5 years and i smoke everyday ,i love grass and think its the best ,for me i dont care i wish more people would smoke if its a stoner or not i.say let everyone smoke and let them have the secrets of the universe because its only dark energy like whats with all the secrets?So like mellow out man…. weed is chilled

  • WizKhalifa

    Im likey the stoney ones
    they give great buzz

  • Tag

    My boyfriend is 12 and he told me that he doesn’t do weed anymore but i think is is lying what should I do

    • Ayy lmao

      Leave him alone and let him smoke some pot, dude.

    • Jbono

      Why are you dating at 12. Why is he smoking at 12.
      Either he’s lying which is a bad relationship or you don’t trust him which is a bad relationship but If you wanna find out tell him to look in your eyes and tell you he’s done smoking. He won’t be a pro at lying yet

    • Go do your homework

    • Darla

      Call the Howard Stern show. Your question sounds like one of his calls over the yearsr instance,https://youtu.be/A5eFBq83MY4 This 13 year old with a 40 year olds big ego… Is that your boyfriend now? This one is perfect for you. Heres part 1 , A man calls in defending N.A.M.B.L.A. man boy love group. Come on guy, we live in a society. Theres certain things you just cant do. Assault people, hit and run,get people addicted to hard drugs, rape people or put drug in a drink and do it. etc. other people all over control their urges. now , go wack your doodle! oy to the vey dude. laaaaaame

  • who cares if it’s against the law where you’re from, man? Why care about someone you know smoking weed? to each their own

  • Dwayne David Junior Holland

    Nobody wears tie die shirts and if you see somebody wearing it is 60 percent chance he is not a stone4

  • Charles Fry

    Another couple ways you can spot a stoner s how they hold them selves and if there eyes are blood shot and there pupils are dilated at the same time

    • L

      Could have been crying on shrooms.

  • 420 mah dude#420