Mar 152010

how to identify a stonerHow Do You Identify A Stoner?

As a recreational marijuana consumer starting a new job, I always have one question on my mind my first week – how many of my co-workers also consume marijuana? I came up with a list of things I look for. If you have something else to add that you think I missed, please do so in the comments! Realize that this is in no way a comprehensive list of every thing that applies to every marijuana consumer of all time.

This list might come in handy when you start a new job, move to a new area, or just like to people watch. There are many ways to identify a stoner; below are ten things that I look for:

10. Wears lots of tie dyed clothing; plays hacky sack and disc golf

Any one of these items by themselves is not enough evidence to conclude that a person is a stoner. But when you find someone doing two or three of them, chances are good that the person is a stoner. Tie dyed clothing, hacky sack, and disc golf are three of my favorite things!

9. 80% of diet is cereal and corner market burritos

Cereal is the staple of any stoner’s diet. It’s fast, tasty, and kills the cottonmouth. But every once in awhile stoners need protein, which is why God invented the corner market ‘deli’ section.

8. Asks everyone if they’re ‘cool’ or ‘down’

We have all been there before; starting a new job, or going to a new school, or just meeting someone new. After a little bit of posturing, the question eventually comes out, “So…are you ‘cool/down?’ These words equivalent to a Freemason handshake; they are the unofficial stoner membership words. If you hear these words, especially in a ‘conspiracy theory tone,’ it can only mean one thing.

7. Always has a lighter, but doesn’t smoke cigarettes or use candles

If the person always has a lighter in their pocket or vehicle, yet they don’t smoke cigarettes or own candles, chances are good the person is a stoner. Of course, they could just REALLY be into fireworks, so look for additional identifiers.

6. They think a trip to Amsterdam would be ‘killer’

Have you ever met someone that wanted to go to Amsterdam that WASN’T a stoner?? Is there any other reason to go there, other than to sample the best chronic in the world? If someone is talking positively about Amsterdam, they are almost certainly a stoner.

5. Seems to be fascinated by the number ’420′

Anytime the clock strikes 4:20 p.m., or the number 420 pops up in anyway, it really gets stoners excited. I worked at a country club once, and we had 420 guests for the Easter Brunch. Within ten seconds of the number 420 being announced, I knew that 75% of the staff was stoners, which was awesome because we had a group puff session immediately after we got off work.

4. Owns a large collection of stoner music

If you look through the person’s music collection, and there is lots of Phish, Grateful Dead, Sublime, 311, etc, then you may have identified a stoner. But be careful; posers can listen to stoner music too. My sister and her friends listen to stoner music, yet they are total rookie-posers, so this method is not 100% guaranteed. However there is a method that is 100%; if any of the previously mentioned music is on homemade cassette tapes, especially live recordings, you have identified a full blown pothead! I was in my high school English teacher’s office once, and found a huge cache of homemade Grateful Dead tapes….

3. Horrible at math but is a wiz at fractions dealing with 1/8ths, 1/4ths, 1/2s….

Do you know a person like this? They can’t add 2 + 2, or calculate the tip on a dinner bill, but if you ask them what 1/4 plus 1/8 is they all of a sudden become a mathematician? You ask them how many grams are in an ounce and they give you the answer ‘Well most people say 28 grams, but a real ounce weighs 28.375…’ If calculus were based on measuring parts of ounces, maybe more college students would major in math!

2. Lots of empty ‘Visine’ bottles around

When I was a little kid my stepdad had a cemetery of empty ‘Visine’ bottles in the glove box of his vehicle. And YES, he was one of the biggest stoners of all time…not coincidence.

1. Resin on the lighter

This is a sure fire giveaway. If there is some black ‘gunk’ on the bottom-front of the lighter, the owner of that lighter has been packing down bong/pipe bowls in true stoner fashion.

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About Johnny Green

Johnny Green is a marijuana activist from Oregon. He has a Bachelor's Degree in Public Policy. Follow Johnny Green on Facebook and Twitter. Also, feel free to email any concerns.
  • reuben

    for #10 I think you described a typical california “cheech n chong’ type of stoner. While those guys still do exist I think that there’s a lot more diversity with stoners these days. I would at least add “wears sunglasses constantly.” And hey, not all wear tie dye. personally I have never owned any. Its awful looking clothing, frankly.

    and for #4. No…no…no. Not everyone listens to the Grateful Dead.. geez. I don’t mind being called a stoner but I don’t want to be labeled as being a Dead fan. I actually went to a few shows and I don’t even understand how anyone can like their music. i think it sucks.
    I can appreciate 311 or Sublime but what about Dr. Dre “The Chronic”? what about Wu Tang Clan? or what about Bob Marley for christs sake? Bone Thugs n Harmony.. there’s so many other groups.

    dude… step out of the ’60s and into the new millennium. Its 2010 you dumb ass. Put the pipe down and wake up.

    • NoInhale

      Maybe he should add a #11: Undeserved feeling of intelligence and wisdom mostly associated with topics meant for entertainment and taken FAR too seriously. Obviously you stoners exist too…

      You bite your tongue…Johnny Green is a luminary in the field of marijuana and anything affiliated with it.

    • JohnnyGreen

      I don’t think you are following the article correctly. What I said was if you see Grateful Dead cassettes, you have spotted a stoner, not that if you spotted a stoner, you spotted a Deadhead.

      In no way did I say that ALL stoners listen to Grateful Dead, thats way too much of a generalization. As for the other artists you mentioned, that would fall under ‘etc’

      When we do an article on ‘Top Stoner Musicians’ I am willing to do a more comprehensive list. However, this article was about SOME WAYS, but not ALL WAYS, to spot a stoner. As for putting the pipe down, I WILL NEVER PUT THE PIPE DOWN! And neither should you! Thanks for the comment

      • taige

        dude i deffinately agree with you that very first dude doesnt know what the fuck hes talkin about im a stoner myself i smoke everday n some of the stuff u say is right n ur not saying that all us stoners do or wear etc. what u say
        to the gyuy with the first comment i will say fu if ur telling someone to drop the pipe kuz ur not a true stoner if u have to drop the pipe stoners for life man peace out

      • JackHererrrr

        yesssssss JohnnyGreen !

  • reubenufunnyguyhaha

    reuben owned this guy!!!!!!!! futuristic tokers hip hop good woman and intelligent witty truth!!!

    1 love

  • BC Budman

    Ruben you are a tard. way more posers listen to rap than listen to the Dead or Phish. If I find Wutang Clan on a person’s ipod they are more likely to be a wigger then a stoner :) But if I find anything by Phish or the Dead I know they are a stoner for sure. WHat kind of stoner tells another stoner to put down his pipe

  • dave

    Great article. Reuben apparently did not get his daily regimen.
    Keep em’ coming Johnny Green

  • free tattoo ideas

    Interesting article i totally agree with the comments above. Keep writing

  • Wally

    Try and find the stoner

    1. they are mad chill, more laid back and have less drama.
    2. talk about everything becuase they forget what they were talking about
    3.Some are creative
    4.they forget to do shit, because they are high
    5. they rather smoke than do what they were thinking of doing all day
    6.they are quite in class(if ur in school)
    7.they eat alot in class
    8.they skip lunch bc there eyes are too red and they forgot visine(in school)
    9.they never really listen to ur full story
    10.they forget…bc i forget what i was gunna put here
    11.oo yeah…they zone out
    12.they most of the time hate to drink
    13.they go to sleep
    14.they eat special brownies when they know they cnt smoke somewhere
    15.they buy the new iolite.
    16.they have food
    17. they say man and dude alot
    19.they fantazie over new peices
    20.they only smoke heddies,mids and regs doesnt get the job done
    21.they never go on a road trip or car ride without it
    21.they take a hit on 4:20 if they catch it on time
    23. they say “wheres my lighter?” they buddy say “dont ask me i dont have it u had it” they say “no way u had the hit.” but they find it on their lap. …
    24.or there frend in the back seat is holding it, but is just to stoned to even pay attention and hand it to u…
    25.a inch away is like a billion lite years away.

    • Zack P.

      dude seriously. like that is a terrific list man. take a celebration hit!

    • JackHererrrr

      wordddd LOL

    • christine

      #’s 23 and 24 are sooo true. reminds me of my ex and his brother they were notorious lighter holders lol.

      • Elizabeth De La Torre


    • Elizabeth De La Torre


  • Mike

    what? Long hair doesn’t make the list? Oh the humanity!

  • Stoned_Cold

    This is hilarious. Literally every singe one of these applies to me.

  • Heavenely Kay

    Lmmfao sitting here hitting one now laughing at all your comments;)

  • BC Budman doesnt know

    @ BC Budman. So basically what you are saying is that music made by n*****s is only made to be listened by n*****s only and that white people who like rap are wannabe n******rs? Wigger is a term used to describe somebody who is white but acts as if he/she is black. I have met many hiphop heads who dont act at all black. What about stoners who like dance music? What about a white person who likes to listen to Jimi Hendrix? Does that also make them wiggers? My brother listens to Phish and hasnt tried weed ever, seems that he is “for sure” not a stoner. You give me more of a racist vibe than a stoner vibe. Maybe u like to burn crosses along with your js. That there was a stereotype……. Food for thought.

  • fourtwozero

    Hahaha love reading shit about weed I been looking up good stoner jobs on blogs all morning haha but this sucks cause I’m all outta weed would be better reading this shit high as titties lol

  • Joel

    All so true. :P I’d like to see a list on how to identify fellow acid-trippers though. Maybe I’ll write it. ^.^

  • bart wakker

    None of the list apply to me… Note that I’m from the Netherlands, probably it is more mainstream (even though usage is about half from the US, about 6% of adults only) and less associated with a particular type of person. Just like you cannot recognize the “alcohol drinker” or “coffee drinker”.

    Don’t live in the Netherlands anymore, but that’s no problem. I still have three plants in the basement almost ready to be harvested. And I’ve got still 1/3 of last years harvest :).

  • Nr_lewin

    every one of these apply to me except the visine and the math part only partially true come to think of it fractions are my worst subject lol

  • Jen(:

    Psssh, stoners aren’t good at math. Sure, I can’t do math worth shit when I’m stoned, but I’m in Calculus at 16. Stereotypes, man.

  • LOL

    LOL (imo I don’t agree with horrible at math tho, since I know some 4.0 gpa stoners lol)

    • LOL

      ancient comments lol

  • Faggot

    You’re the poser if you think you have to smoke pot to like psychedelic rock. The grateful dead are famous because they’re talented, not because you’re drawn to them when you’re high… My dad raised me on tons of hippie music and he never smoked pot.

    • Loraleigh

      You sure? Did you ever ask him?

  • TokeToke

    Bottom line, none of this is accurate or true. lls

  • Higherthanyou27

    Wow you pretty much suck. Haha sterotype much lol. Pathetic.

  • Higherthanyou27

    Your just embarrassing yourself lol. Learn to not stereo type. Everybody is different. There is no such thing as a pot head. Everybody has there own way of doing thing things. Grow up and stop posting crap about stuff you have no idea what your talking about. You would do everybody a big favor :).

    • olhippie

      I suppose ya just have to REALLY be a stoner or a ’70′s child, cos these are “spot~on”… lol (I speak from experience) :)

  • Matao

    For me its about 60 percent of these things :o

  • BelleStarr

    I was a ‘stoner’ and worked in a high profile job. I had none of the so-called characteristics of a ‘stoner’. That was before jobs started testing.

  • budzbunny

    Yeah and if you see a person that uhhh…errrm….sorry man, I forgot…

  • Glen Powell Aka/ Al Bettz

    10 no tie dyed clothes here, I do play hacky sac 9 don’t eat a lot of burritos or snack foods 8 the word is kool not cool 7 yes I have lighter and no its to light smokes with 6 while a trip to the dam would be kool I can think of many other places to visit that are higher on my list of places to go 5 420 is just a number, we get high whenever we want 4 I own no music as I’m a musician I write my own “stoner tunes”3 I’m good at math whether its fractions or calculus 2 I would never use visine, who cares if my eyes show that I am stoned? 1 no way would I pack my bong with my lighter, so no resin gets on it

    • olhippie

      actually , it’s…. kewl (lol) >.<

  • imincognito4now

    Amsterdam is no longer the destination for stoners, Colorado is. And only people who were raised in the 70s and 80s have all the old classic rock in their colecttions. Now a days its hip hop, and rap. I am old school and have a teenager that explain stoners of today as to the diffences of those of us from yesteryears. :- Nothing like feeling old. Lol

    • painkills2

      Nothing like feeling old and not knowing the current stoner language… I’m guessing “chronic” means pot, but to me (in my old age), the word “chronic” has really negative connotations. And is Colorado really the place to be? What about Seattle, Oregon (where all the expert growers migrated to), or California (where it’s less expensive)? Maybe Colorado is where all the young people go. :)

  • Kelly Wittenhagen

    … true..especially # 3-4-5..oh shyt..all of themm……lol

  • DrMesmer

    Kind of lame sterotypes…you can actually spot a real stoner because they think they can save the world…but maybe…just maybe their right!

    • painkills2

      Stereotypes can be funny sometimes cuz they’re true. And I don’t think I can save the world, but I sure love to see people try… you gotta love California!

  • josh

    yes lol , facinated with 420 i am lol , gears of war 420 bullets left , oven clock , 420 , rollercoaster tycoon 420 guest were on this coaster, wrist watch , 420, and the best one of all. *****Flatout for playstation 2… Burnout Points 420 !!!!*****

  • Ian Mackenzie

    funny stereo types but none true, old stoner here, I made the best computer support dude had a sense of humor and always kept a sledge hammer in my office for those printers that like to jam alot

  • Karen Nisivoccia-Campbell

    Kind, compassionate, tax payer, Mom, Dad, Hardworking, Human.

  • Paulita Selene


  • Harleynut

    It is funny and not true. 45 Years of experience, Millions of miles of Traveling both driving and flying (before sniffer machines) Never caught. You can dig it 8-) Still going strong. Best Medicine from the Earth. It is what has sustained my mind through all the stress and aggravation of life with a SMILE. It really helps me laugh at all the Stupidity of this World. 45 Years, time Flies when you Laugh 8-) End the Stoner stereotypes, Carl Sagan was my hero growing up and he was an Avid Cannabis user. Smart People use Cannabis too 8-)

    • Adolfo

      Couldn’t agree more! Weed rocks! and smart people use it, cause you know we’re smart!

  • weedman

    420 cool dude

  • Fox

    Stained or calussed finger tips…