Feb 112012
 

arnold smoking marijuana jointHow Do You Know If Someone Smokes Weed?

We have all been there – you are starting a new job, moving to a new area, or just meeting someone new, and you wonder if they consume marijuana or not. I just experienced this situation over Super Bowl weekend. My step-family was in town, and from what I assumed, none of them smoke marijuana.

I had asked my step-dad several times, and he kept telling me that none of them were down with marijuana. My step-uncle is gay, and he had told me previously what it was like for him to ‘come out of the closet.’ I told my step-dad on several occasions that I was going to ‘come out of the marijuana closet’ to his family sooner than later, and would start with his gay brother to see if he was receptive.

Fortunately, I didn’t need to take that risk, because I found out that one of my step-cousins consumes marijuana. We were all at a house party, my uncle and I stepped out to my car so we could burn down, and the second we came back in we were confronted by the previously mentioned step-cousin. I guess the way he identifies a marijuana consumer is by looking for the ‘quick duck out, come back smelling like burnt popcorn’ move lol. Once I knew that my step-cousin was down with marijuana, I just went straight to him and got the scoop on the rest of the family.

What do TWB readers look for to identify if someone is a marijuana consumer or not? When I’m around my hometown, it’s a very easy process. When I meet someone new, I try to determine which friends we have in common, then text those mutual friends to get the scoop. However, this is obviously not always possible because I’m not always in my hometown. Also, I don’t know every person in my hometown, nor do I have a mutual friend with every person. The demographics of marijuana are constantly evolving, and it blows my mind more frequently than before what types of people consume marijuana.

Below is a list that I made a couple of years ago that describes ‘10 ways to identify a stoner.’ To clarify things ahead of time, this is not an all inclusive list, and in no way am I saying that every person that consumes marijuana displays every characteristic on this list. This is merely ten things that I find useful when I’m trying to determine if someone is a marijuana consumer or not. Like I said, marijuana demographics are constantly evolving, so there’s a good chance that there are marijuana consumers out there that don’t meet any of the indicators that I listed below (my step-cousin being one of them!) If you have other tips and tricks that you use, please post them in the comments below so that others can benefit from your expertise:

How Do You Identify A Stoner?

This might come in handy when you start a new job, move to a new area, or just like to people watch. There are many ways to identify a stoner; below are ten things that I look for:

10. Wears lots of tie dyed clothing; plays hacky sack and disc golf

Any one of these items by themselves is not enough evidence to conclude that a person is a stoner. But when you find someone doing two or three of them, chances are good that the person is a stoner. Tie dyed clothing, hacky sack, and disc golf are three of my favorite things!

9. 80% of diet is cereal and corner market burritos

Cereal is the staple of any stoner’s diet. It’s fast, tasty, and kills the cottonmouth. But every once in awhile stoners need protein, which is why God invented the corner market ‘deli’ section.

8. Asks everyone if they’re ‘cool’ or ‘down’

We have all been there before; starting a new job, or going to a new school, or just meeting someone new. After a little bit of posturing, the question eventually comes out, “So…are you ‘cool/down?’ These words equivalent to a Freemason handshake; they are the unofficial stoner membership words. If you hear these words, especially in a ‘conspiracy theory tone,’ it can only mean one thing.

7. Always has a lighter, but doesn’t smoke cigarettes or use candles

If the person always has a lighter in their pocket or vehicle, yet they don’t smoke cigarettes or own candles, chances are good the person is a stoner. Of course, they could just REALLY be into fireworks, so look for additional identifiers.

6. They think a trip to Amsterdam would be ‘killer’

Have you ever met someone that wanted to go to Amsterdam that WASN’T a stoner?? Is there any other reason to go there, other than to sample the best chronic in the world? If someone is talking positively about Amsterdam, they are almost certainly a stoner.

5. Seems to be fascinated by the number ‘420’

Anytime the clock strikes 4:20 p.m., or the number 420 pops up in anyway, it really gets stoners excited. I worked at a country club once, and we had 420 guests for the Easter Brunch. Within ten seconds of the number 420 being announced, I knew that 75% of the staff was stoners, which was awesome because we had a group puff session immediately after we got off work.

4. Owns a large collection of stoner music

If you look through the person’s music collection, and there is lots of Phish, Grateful Dead, Sublime, 311, etc, then you may have identified a stoner. But be careful; posers can listen to stoner music too. My sister and her friends listen to stoner music, yet they are total rookie-posers, so this method is not 100% guaranteed. However there is a method that is 100%; if any of the previously mentioned music is on homemade cassette tapes, especially live recordings, you have identified a full blown pothead! I was in my high school English teacher’s office once, and found a huge cache of homemade Grateful Dead tapes….

3. Horrible at math but is a wiz at fractions dealing with 1/8ths, 1/4ths, 1/2s….

Do you know a person like this? They can’t add 2 + 2, or calculate the tip on a dinner bill, but if you ask them what 1/4 plus 1/8 is they all of a sudden become a mathematician? You ask them how many grams are in an ounce and they give you the answer ‘Well most people say 28 grams, but a real ounce weighs 28.375…’ If calculus were based on measuring parts of ounces, maybe more college students would major in math!

2. Lots of empty ‘Visine’ bottles around

When I was a little kid my stepdad had a cemetery of empty ‘Visine’ bottles in the glove box of his vehicle. And YES, he was one of the biggest stoners of all time…not coincidence.

1. Resin on the lighter

This is a sure fire giveaway. If there is some black ‘gunk’ on the bottom-front of the lighter, the owner of that lighter has been packing down bong/pipe bowls in true stoner fashion.

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About Johnny Green

Johnny Green is a marijuana activist from Oregon. He has a Bachelor's Degree in Public Policy. Follow Johnny Green on Facebook and Twitter. Also, feel free to email any concerns.
  • you sound

    You sound like a cop

    • http://www.theweedblog.com Johnny Green

      I smoke way too much marijuana to be a cop. Read more of my blog posts before you jump to such a conclusion :) Gotta love the internet…lol

      • miggy420

        virtual high five

  • JDCarter

    If you move to a knew area where you don’t know anybody, one method I have found that is successful at finding a stoner is to watch what people purchase in the gas station. If they buy blunts, there’s a 99% chance that they split ‘em open and fill it full of the good green stuff. I’ve met plenty of people like this. After they make their purchase, make yours, and try and catch them before they jet to ask if they know where the wood is…..

  • graiggrady

    Has green trees Hanging from the mirror of thier car.
    Holds thier cigarettes like joints.
    Moody at work around 2pm.
    Drinks Arizona ice tea.
    Dips out unnoticed during the Party.
    Drives unusually slow.
    Does not really drink alcohol.
    Always says what?
    Not a problem in the world do they have.
    Quotes Jeff Spicoli or Dazed and Confused scenes.
    Hates to be in huge crowds.
    Always goes for car rides.
    Watches action sports they can not do.
    Chronic coughs.
    Plays online games all day.
    Index finger and thumbs unusually yellow from pinching joints.
    Watches late night Swim.
    Beef jerky wrappers all over the car.
    Has the best stash spots.

    • Lanie

      Has best stash spots: Yes Always goes for car rides: Double yes Always says what: Oh yesss Arizona Tea: My boyfriend always does and I only like it when I am high now

      Some of these are pretty good.

  • EXO DREW

    THEY FORGOT TO PUT THE RED EYES

  • CO Buddyboy

    This is a good idea – sort of… I hate the idea that we could give non-users the tricks of identifying stoners, but it’s really frustrating to have this situation where you don’t know who uses and who doesn’t. I am trapped in suburbia where our kids are pretty grown up for the most part, but they’re still in high school and coming out to the neighbors seems like a really BAD idea. Too many people who would turn you in in a heartbeat and then go vote for Mitt Romney. I wish we could get through the next few years and get legalized so I could just ask people out front if they did it. Oh and by-the-way habits of 20/30 year old stoners do differ from 50/60 year old stoners…

    • Theresa

      I agree on getting through the next years legalized. I’m just sick of it all! I have been waiting for 40 years for legalization. I had really believed in my heart that Jimmy Carter would have done that, but nooooo!
      Also I agree with you on the differance in generations as well!
      I am in the very later group of people.
      Thanks for your post! Made me feel inspired to write something.

  • Chris Hawkes

    Because I got high, because I got high, because I hiiiigh.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeYsTmIzjkw&ob=av2e

    21 million hits! not bad

    I’m stoned, whats the topic again?

    • http://twitter.com/LeFlowM LéFlow DurbaKnight

      Make that 29 million

  • RiPto

    Looking at the clock to say the wrong time., “it’s 420 somewhere right” usually gets tha stoners moving for there stash and reaching for there lighter

  • david

    If your a true pothead, you would mos def enjoy smoking a blunt to this!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2rSuNy6WMY&feature=related

  • marquise

    to tell if somebody smoke weed iz the way they act if their chill u know they smoke weed I LOVE WEED (JETS)

  • tommy B

    Theresa we need more people like you! I’m only 19 y.o. but it’s my dream one day to smoke it down with either my papa or grandma. You sound like one killer cool lady.

    Good topic Johnny, whenever I’m trying to figure what my fellow community collegers are into i’ll usually start with the legal stuff – booze, hookah, maybe ciggs. Depending on those responses I’ll more than likely pop the bud question straight up.

    Hasn’t gotten me in trouble yet!

    knock knock

  • Mitch GREEN ;D

    They forgot to mention that if you carry a torch lighter around then your a stoner:P

    • johnny

      or a crackhead lol

    • pearla

      Or meth…..

  • Alek

    Christ, those 10 ways are horse shit.

  • Lila1252000

    ok..99% of the ways you believe to identify i stoner is completely foolish however i do agree about having a lighter and you never see the person smoke cigarrettes i do not smoke personally but half of my friends and family members do smoke weed. they always have that strong weed scent on their clothes blood shot red eyes and cant remember anything if their life depended on it and always careless about every damn thing!smhÂ

  • Samantha Mckissack

    if you suspect someone smokes you can always go up and ask ” two friends go to a party, one gets high and one gets drunk, which one drives home?” if they say the high one you just say “how’d you know that?” and if they say the drunk one you say “well why not the high one?” and of course you do run into people that say niether. but by the end of the short conversation, you have a pretty good idea bout whassup and where that person stands.

    ?

  • http://twitter.com/LeFlowM LéFlow DurbaKnight

    Guilty as charged.. But I’m a super fast driver though, maybe bcoz I hate the site of a cop car on my rear view mirror. Even when I’m not stoned

  • disqus_chKn1YiADR

    this must be a joke… go get high or if you were high when you wrote this garbage sober up

  • Lanie

    I only could relate to maybe 4 of those. Still a stoner though :P

  • MetalChickRoadie

    Haha, awesome. I am always and forever giving myself away with my lighter, resin in the bottom. I travel for work…a lot. Never have a problem finding green. Quoting Katt Williams, or any variety of stoner movies and smart people pick up on that. Works in most decent sized cities at least.

  • Rob

    I got outed as a stoner one time by the lady that worked at the convenience store where I bought my papers and munchies. I’m at an Aunt’s house for a cookout and in front of everybody convenience store lady walks up and goes, ” I thought it was you….zig zags, mountaIn dew, doritos and ben & Jerries, RIGHT?!!

  • Pot Mans

    Horrible at math is not necessarily true. I am a stoner and I am pretty good at math….

  • doctorsanguin

    Best tell is the always present lighter on a non cigarette smoker or rolling papers. Just ask for a zig to fix “your last cigarette”. I quit smoking but still ask questionable people if they have a paper is they say yes I just pull out my pipe or dug out

  • GOAT

    This method may work sometimes, but I personally only know one stoner that fits any of these qualifications, and I certainly don’t. HATE HATE HATE tye dye, hackey sack, and the stereotypical stoner music. In fact, the quickest way to get kicked out of my house is to put on the Dead, or Phish. Though, I do love classic ska, reggae and dub. Any of these methods are good signifiers that I don’t wanna hang out with said person because they most likely are a dumbass and most likely to get busted for being so obvious. I’ve been smoking for a little over 20 years now, and I just can’t stand alot of the staples of stoner culture. I guess I’m the anomaly, a bud smoking, punk rock son of a bitch.

    • painkills2

      Punk rock is still rock and roll!

  • Kyle Outz

    so on the musical note, not always true cuz when trim the shrubbery up sometimes i listen to ol’ cash, i think when u have a lifestyle like ours like minds are created. like take for instance we’re at this party and i’m there in my camo hat, boots and my big buck tshirt. look like a redneck and this kid is like dude what u know about that chronic u look like u drink shine and run from rosco. so i took his blunt bogarted the last half which i took it in a couple tokes and fogged the whole room. he looked so dumbfounded so being the stereo typical stoner is not always a good thing.

  • ironlung

    Working in a fast food joint and a cop comes thru drive-thru. His total was 4.20. Yup, everyone I work with burns, as evidenced by the snickers that surrounded me.

  • Momo

    Tie dye Sucks. So does hackey sack and Frisbee…. Grateful dead and phish are some of the worst music invented. This list is Fucking stupid. Nice job you bum just listing cliche and stereotypical qualities. What an idiotic list.

  • Dave

    Bunch of B.S. I smoke and i would say #7 is the only one that fits me. Everyone is different….stop stereotyping people

    • samurai

      No they ought not to stop. I found a lot of that funny, and thats what it is. Funny.

      You do know how to have a laugh right ?

  • Grandma

    This is about teens, for teens – right? Pretty lame if it’s not.

  • Albert C. Price

    This article should be called “10 Silly Stereotypes About Stoners.”

  • Roy Atkinson

    Fucking funny man!!

  • Noneofya

    #7 – that’s true

  • Abdul

    This is great!