What Is The Best Job For A Stoner?
Let’s face it, stoners (especially me) don’t like to work, but we do it because we have to pay the bills, right? While I was at my crappy office job today, I spent a little while reminiscing of previous jobs I’ve had that were much more stoner-friendly. My current job has a ‘zero tolerance’ policy directed at marijuana, even medical marijuana. It’s not the job I dreamed of having after college, but I had to start somewhere, so I will just have to make it work. With that being said, I can still daydream about the days when I was younger, and health care benefits were far from my mind…
There are very obvious stoner friendly jobs that we would all love to have. These jobs are directly tied into the industry, and include, but are not limited to: grower, dealer, clipper, head shop owner, dispensary owner, grow supply store, marijuana testing facility, etc. These jobs are the most stoner friendly (for obvious reasons), but they are hard to come by for most Americans. Unless you know someone that has a serious operation or booming storefront, you are left to find one of the ‘ordinary’ jobs that a stoner can acquire. I made a list at work today while I was bored; feel free to add a dream stoner job, a previous stoner job, or even a current stoner job if you’re one of the lucky ones.
Ski Resort — Almost all of my stoner friends love skiing or snowboarding, while simultaneously getting baked out of their minds. I’ve never gone snowboarding or skiing, but my friends passionately assure me that getting high on the mountain is one of their favorite activities in life. They all wish that they worked at a resort so they could ride the higher high every day, while getting paid to do it.
Movie Rental Store — These are becoming rarer by the week. It seems like every time I pass a video store, they are either out of business, or going out of business. That’s the way of media though — why pay for it when you can bootleg it off the internet? There was a time though when working at a video store was a killer job for a stoner. I remember my best friend worked at one when we were growing up, and not only did he sell weed out of the store, but we would get big high in the back and play all of the latest video games. Good times.
Massage Therapist — I haven’t met too many massage therapists that weren’t down with the reefer. When you are providing a harmonious, soothing atmosphere as part of your job, marijuana consumption fits in very well. The medical clinic that I go to in Portland, Oregon has a massage therapist on staff that does cannabis oil massages. I’ve never set up an appointment, but I can only imagine…
Record Store — For all of you younger readers, a record store is a place where people used to buy music in the form of CD’s, cassette tapes, and vinyl albums. These places also had posters, t-shirts, stickers, and other awesome music related paraphernalia for sale. I used to work at one, and it was probably the greatest thing that ever happened to my life. It’s like they say on Half Baked, ‘Perfect job for a stoner. You get to sit around and talk about music all day.’ The one I worked at shared the same parking lot with a pizza parlor…Soda, arcade games, pizza, reefin’, and then go back to work to rock out…
Food Industry (both restaurants and fast food) — Ninjasmoker and I have both worked at a lot of food places throughout the years, and we both agreed that we have yet to find a food establishment that wasn’t full of tokers. Now I’m not saying EVERYONE that works at a food place is a toker, but what I am saying is that if they sell food, and there are more than 5 employees on staff, at least a couple of those staff members are down with the greens. Fast food jobs were really crappy while I was doing them, but when I think back, they are also some of my fondest ‘coming of age’ memories. You could go to work high as a kite, maintain it throughout your shift by smoking in the walk-in freezer or out by the garbage cans, and then eat as much fat as you could possibly handle throughout your shift. I usually ended up becoming my bosses’ hook up within the first few weeks of working at a food place, which always made life much easier.
Pizza Delivery — I had to single pizza out, because it has been a staple career in the stoner culture for so many decades. One of my first jobs I ever had was working at the pizza place that I mentioned in the ‘Record Store’ part of this article. The name of the pizza place and location is irrelevant — as long as it is not a chain ‘take and bake’ type pizza establishment, chances are the entire staff are marijuana consumers. Every pizza place me and Ninja worked at, the entire staff burned it down, or at least was sympathetic toward the cause. From the manager to the pizza delivery drivers, they were always down with a 420 session, and it was awesome. Being a pizza delivery driver is the perfect job for a stoner too. You get to listen to tunes all day, plus you get enough tips to purchase a sack after your shift almost automatically. I know Ninjasmoker is particularly down with the pizza delivery job.
Process Server — I never would have thought about this career, if it weren’t for good old Dale Denton. It seems that you really can drive around all day, smoking doobies, and get paid for it, all the while dressing up in various costumes….
Stage Hand — This was another one of my favorite jobs of all time. I worked at the Oregon State Fair as a stage hand for the music acts that came through. I worked back stage at the Pat Benatar, Def Leppard, and George Thorogood concerts. True story — the first day I showed up to the job, the owner of the company said ‘make sure you always have sun glasses on, that way people can’t see your red eyes.’ I was like ‘my eyes aren’t red, are they?’ To which he replied, ‘No, but they will be by the end of the day.’ No less than two hours later I see him and Pat Benatar smoking the hugest blunt I have ever seen to this day…you gotta love rock and roll…
Artist — Visual art and marijuana go hand in hand. Not every artist smokes marijuana of course, but I know a lot of marijuana consumers that paint and draw and do graphic design for sure. Does anyone remember Bob Ross and the ‘Joy of Painting?’ That was the greatest show ever. I used to watch it every Saturday in middle school, and get baked junior high style out of a metal pipe. You can’t tell me that guy didn’t burn them down before every show…’Let’s paint another happy little tree.’
Musician — Music and marijuana also go hand in hand. If you can rock it out on stage, the only thing that could possibly make your day better is some smoking back stage. Marijuana unlocks that creative part of your brain that doesn’t get tickled enough in the sober state. I used to write music, and when I was ‘well adjusted’ after some tokin’, I always wrote my best material. Think of how many musicians in the last 50 years smoked marijuana. And what a great job for a stoner — you get to play music for a living and have people wanting to smoke you out everywhere you go.
Comedian — Doug Benson. Enough said.