By Lee Tzu
Last Friday (23rd March), two men dressed as ninjas stole away into the LA night and robbed a medical marijuana deliveryman. They are still at large. Although their ninja weapons were a nothing but couple of batons and their stoner-movie style scheme does raise a smile, the incident isn’t all fun and games. This was medical marijuana, so it’s just as necessary and important as any other medication. Imagine if these guys had dressed as ninjas and took off with someone’s insulin! There would be public outcry, and rightfully so.
This presents a worrying issue for those of us who need medical — or indeed non-medical — marijuana. Stoners aren’t prepared to deal with ninjas. We know it. The West Covina cops haven’t caught them yet, and it’s understandable, seen as ninjas are usually pretty good at avoiding detection. Even though we may be red-eyed, wreathed in smiles and easygoing, us stoners have to take necessary precautions to prevent ninjas from making off with our marijuana.
Back in feudal Japan, when real ninjas were at large, the rich Japanese lords, known as daimyo, had a few strategies for protecting themselves from ninja attack. They’d hide in secret resorts, and purposefully create squeaky floors so nobody could sneak around in their house. Since they were rich, having specially built houses or 24/7 bodyguard protection was an option, but what could we modern day stoners do about it?
Well, the attack happened outside, and the ninjas sprung out of a bush and accosted the poor delivery man. This gives us some vital clues. They probably don’t have the necessary ninja skills to sneak into your house, and they aren’t exactly hiding in the shadows. They also relied on intimidation to get their haul of weed and money, instead of swiping it and disappearing into the night before the delivery guy even knew what had happened.
The simplest method of ninja-proofing your weed is to move any obvious hiding places. Your delivery man’s (or your own) route to your door should be clear and open. Trash cans, bushes, cars or any other obstructions could give the ninjas the opportunity to surprise you. Move them out of the way. There’s no point giving any lesser ninjas like the pair at large in West Covina an easy ride.
Unless you have a lot of money and serious paranoia about stealthy ninjas stealing your marijuana, you probably aren’t going to invest in outdoor nightingale flooring. A much more stoner friendly option is potato chips. Sprinkle them around any potential hiding places, and litter the area surrounding your front door. You want to leave the delivery guy a single clear walkway through a salt-dried, chip-speckled lawn. Any approaching ninjas will crunch the chips under their feet, and alert your delivery guy to their presence.
In the event that other, more highly skilled copycat ninjas come onto the scene, some additional, rasher measures may be required. First, familiarize yourself with the enemy. Here is a collection of clearly accurate, plausible ninja facts that demand serious attention. Now you should understand the true scope of the issue. You can only kill a ninja if you are in fact a ninja. They don’t list a specific application to marijuana, but it can be assumed that you can only avoid losing your marijuana to a ninja if you are also a ninja. You need to master their skills, and understand their techniques. This set of instructions relates to stealthy walking, and can be used to avoid detection if you’re trying to get your marijuana home. You can also suggest that your local dispensary invests in staff training to facilitate these new requirements for their delivery men.
Give your local daimyo a call. These guys plain despise ninjas, and they might be able to sort the problem out for you. If there aren’t any daimyos in your local area or specific time period, you can create a daimyo-scareninja. Create a ragged facsimile of a man and dress him like a daimyo. They basically wear long robes and look badass. This will ward off any lesser ninjas, and provide a distraction for a skilled ninja. They will attack your scareninja and give you a chance to escape with your weed.
If nothing else works, you should learn about quantum physics. Historical documentation has proven that ninjas are terrified of quantum physics, and this can be a last resort if one attempts to intimidate you. When you’re asked where your marijuana is, explain that because of the Heisenberg uncertainty principle you can never be sure where it really is. They’ll run for the hills, sent half-insane by the uncertain nature of matter.
Hopefully, this guide should provide you with sufficient ammunition in the event that ninjas are trying to steal your marijuana. We stoners have to rise up and fight the ninja menace head on, because the cops are still searching for the stealthy weed-assassins. We might not be the most likely group to take them on, but we can do it. With your new-found knowledge, you’re safe to get extremely high, comforted by the fact that the ninja threat can be easily kept at bay.